was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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