At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
