I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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