I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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