just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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