do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
