Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
