I can't breathe out the right side of my face
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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