oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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