I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
