Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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