wrigley field is MILF paradise
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
