Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We named our party play list daddy issues
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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