I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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