She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
smell my finger.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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