I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
