Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
