I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
