I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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