drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
