Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
