Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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