So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
