My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
