so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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