highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
