Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
