This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
