if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
