He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I can't turn off my feet"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
