are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
