whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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