i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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