Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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