mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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