Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
