Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
