is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
