A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just gargled with NyQuil
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