i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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