Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
