my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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