btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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