don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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