I am puke
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
