tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
