okay pat passed out under dana's car
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
