And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
