A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize