I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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