Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
