i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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