i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
