Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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