we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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