I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
