Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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