I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize