I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
