Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
